Today, I am writing on Friday July 22nd, a lot has happened since my last post, that I will eventually write about. However, today I am being inclined to write about the TRUTH. The TRUTH about insides not always matching outsides. As a human being I know I tend to compare other people's outsides with my insides because that is what the media and FACEBOOK in particular motivates us as a society to do.
When I was a little girl in third grade, I wrote what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was not just one thing, but three things. When I grow up I want to be a SINGER, a WRITER and an ARTIST. Now, let me tell you, somewhere along the lines of growing up I learned that none of those things will make you any money, unless you already have money to do them. Which, I also learned at a young age, that I and my family had no money. You need to work hard for money. So, that is what I did, I started working in restaurants at the age of 13. I also knew deep within my being that I wanted to help others. That my life's purpose was to help other people. Some way, some how. Today, I am a person that has ACHIEVED many things, and society is definitely proud of what I look like on paper. I graduated high school, I traveled to Ireland with family, I participated in recreational sports at college, I dated a military academy man, I received a bachelors degree from a 4 year college, I lived in Alaska on my own, I flew on a private jet and worked for a billionaire doctor, I got my heart broken multiple times, I am strong, eat well, in shape, play sports, and am in school again to receive a nursing degree and hopefully pass my boards and become a nurse.
HOWEVER, somewhere along those lines I lost that inner child of someone who likes to sing and dance in the yard, paint with her fingers, write stories about her life and her feelings. As well as write stories about the amazing people she comes across on a daily basis and who have helped her become this society driven successful super woman. Somewhere along those years I learned that none of those things makes you money, and money creates happiness, apparently.... (At least thats what they all want us to believe). Can I be both that inner child who sings, dances, paints, laughs and writes as well as a super successful nurse who takes care of so many who are suffering, experiencing trauma as well as simultaneously experiencing the trauma alongside with her patients? I believe that YES these two worlds can collide as one and make up the wonderful inner child, yet super successful woman that composes ERIN ANNE ELIZABETH.
BUT, and this is a big BUT, for this woman, that is only achievable through a SERIOUS balance. A balance that is composed of 3 things (my life is always composed of 3, no I can't pick one dream occupation I need 3, I can't have just one best friend I need 3 and the list goes on and on and on). These THREE things are
1. Spiritual Balance
2. Physical Balance
3. Emotional Balance
Ultimately, for this writing what I want to focus on is my emotional balance. I have been diagnosed "Bipolar" in the last 2 years of my life. Is it true? maybe. Did I take medication? Yes. Do I take medication now? No. Is it ok if you always take medication for something like this diagnosis? Yes. Will I take medication in the future? Its always a possibility. HOWEVER, what I stress is do NOT let a diagnosis define YOU. Whoever YOU are, I choose to identify myself as ERIN ANNE ELIZABETH, the singing, dancing, writing, loving, caring little girl yet successful woman whose mind is communicating with you through her fingers right now.
Did I go through some trauma in the past 2 years to lead up to such a diagnosis? Yes. We all have trauma in our lives. I am currently working through more trauma as I speak (write/type). Trauma will keep happening, change will keep happening, life is a never ending merry go round until we decide to get off or as I believe God decides when we get off. But, like I said I am going to focus on the Emotional balance for this writing.
Here is where the confession comes in. I have been going to THERAPY for the last 2 years. 2 years ago I used to go twice a week every week. Now I go once every two weeks. And sometimes once every week depending on how life is going. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with this. There is NOTHING wrong with being diagnosed with something, there is NOTHING wrong with asking for help, there is NOTHING wrong with talking to someone who doesn't know you, but can get to know you, the true you, IF you choose to become completely honest. (because honestly its the only way to get sufficient help) Until you LET GO of the facade you are trying to put on for the approval of others, you will never truly achieve true peace of yourself from within or true help from anyone else for that matter. And HONESTLY I still, two years later teeter totter back and forth between my facade and my true identity, its was makes us all human. We are all just trying to figure out who we are, where we stand and who we want to be.
As a health professional, I truly believe that MENTAL HEALTH is the answer to most of our ailments. We all need help emotionally, we have all been through at least one devastating thing that has made our heads spin and if we didn't have the tools or tools from our families to handle it in a positive way it can lead to diagnosis after diagnosis and pill after pill because that is what society preaches, a quick fix for a more deep underlying problem and then it all just gets worse. Remember, I do work in the field and I do work with some smart amazing people, however, I just know that there is a more holistic approach to medicine then what mainstream society is allowing and preaching. and that is a whole different topic that I honestly have done no research on and don't want to get into..
Mainly what this writing was about, was for me to be fearless today, write about who I truly am and what is truly going on. I confess, I wanted to be a WRITER, a SINGER and an ARTIST. I go to THERAPY twice a month and I am a DIAGNOSED bipolar person. I choose not to let any of these things define me in a negative way. I am a fearless woman of dignity today, hoping to help at least one other person with my open-ness, and let you know that it is OK to be YOU. It is OK to have a diagnosis and it is OK to start over and be who you truly want to become. Life is too short to spend precious time making money that isn't even going to be spent on the thing you enjoy like dancing in a field of flowers with paint all over your hands and a poem in your heart.
Happy Friday, Happy Day. Whoever read this and made it all the way through, I applaud you and appreciate you. Thanks for putting up with my all over the place brain. hahah
Love always,
Erin Anne Elizabeth
